In a corner of some foreign field.....

The xenophobes at The Daily Mail are usually best ignored. Its chief stirrer of anti-foreigner bile is the ex-pats' pin-up, Richard Littlejohn. He may make Jeremy Clarkeson look erudite and incisive, but this is the 'belle' of the DM columnists' ball, and he attracts a massive salary to toss off (make your own jokes here) a few hundred words of regurgitated twaddle. What is amazing is that he always brings out comments from his acolytes, most of whom seem to think he should be Prime Minister. Either he writes the comments himself, or there are some serious flaws in our policy of allowing the mentally ill access to the web.

The actual columns themselves are irrelevant; they are all much of a muchness. He appears to google for a story of 'political correctness gone mad' and then uses it to pad out his templated stock phrases and themes. 'Foreigners bad, EU badder, PC thought police, 'elf and safety', stealth taxes on poor motorists, Guardianistas, Tony Bliar (sic), Call Me Dave Cameron.' A monkey could do it. Maybe that's George Bush's next assignment when he leaves office.

Today's masterpiece manages to combine this mistrust of foreigners with an attack on British policing. Sort of PCs being too PC. 'If you think Portuguese police are bad.......' etc

Take this tasteful gem on the McCann investigation:

"Imagine if Maddie had gone missing from a seaside boarding house in Llandudno.
By now the McCanns would have been subjected to random breath tests and their hire car would have been clamped.
After being forced to fill in a 20-page questionnaire about their ethnicity and sexuality, Brunstrom would be offering them counselling, free heroin and suntan lotion.
The only way a kidnapper would have been caught was if he'd been nicked for speeding or pulled over for eating an apple at the wheel. "

This in a newspaper that has lambasted other reports in the media as disgusting. Littlejohn (a favourite of far-right groups) is said to have distanced himself from the BNP by describing them as 'knuckle craping Neanderthals'. If the cap fits.......

Then there is the twisted story of a hospital banning knitting needles. Except that they haven't. They have put them behind a reception area where people can ask for them. Sensible?

What about his loyal band of cult followers:

Those mischievous elves from 'Elfin Safety' are at it again! I can appreciate their concern, because a knitting needle could impale a little elf! Ban wool as well, a wee elf could choke on it! While we are at it, ban pens, pencils, forks, knives, spoons and sniffer dogs, which could swallow a tiny elf whole! I sure am glad I no longer live in the United Kingdom of Elves!- A.M., Australia

Our friend in Oz tries to curry favour by chanting the RL mantra......Elfin safety...ommmmm. I'm sure glad you're not in the UK too, A.M.

A good yarn, Richard, unlike that from the nits at Elf 'n' Leprechauns 'n' Safety! It is almost as funny as Firefighters in Lancashire being given free Polish classes and issued with Polish phrase cards! - Charlotte Browning, Bolton, Lancashire, England

What a wit! Are you related to Robert and Elizabeth perchance? Maybe next time she will give her full address....England, Great Britain, The World, etc...Just reminded me of that Hugh Grant film.

You are 100% correct, Richard! The police cannot find Madeleine, yet they can spot somebody doing one mile over the speed limit! The HELF 'House-Elf Liberation Front'(Harry Potter) brigade really needled me by banning purling, yet MRSA is a politically correct condition! It's a pity the NHS staff don't wash their hands like the politicians, who washed their hands of the people long ago!- Sam, Manchester, UK

I'm not sure this makes any sense at all......which police Sam?

Richard,I am a serving soldier and everytime I return home to Britain, I see the changes that are ruining so called Gt Britain. Many of the soldiers I know have had enough and are doing what your police friend is doing and that is emigrating. The Guardinistas will only be happy when the only group of people left in the land are the ones who believe in their ideology! Going to hell in a handcart? Only if you live in Britain! Keep up the good work, even though they couldn't give a monkeys.- Steve Brown, Ashford, England.

This is one of those posts that makes me think they are not genuine. Too many phrases there...Guardianistas....Hell in a handcart (RL's book of excrement)...Great? Britain. Migration is only OK if British people do it.

I find it so depressing that what you write is true! As one who has left the country largely because of government policies, the waste of tax pounds, the sheer lack of common sense applied by various institutions, I am glad to be out of it.Don't get me wrong, Spain has its faults but it would be hard to imagine it getting away with the kinds of things all three parties seem to want to impose on the British. As for the EU it appears to take the bits it wants and forgets the rest, unlike the UK which adheres slavishly to every new dictat!- Sandra, Spain

Sandra left the country because of Government policy affecting the weather and Sangria prices. At least in Spain you can read the Daily Mail, see Premiership football, have an all day breakfast, drink in the John Bull pub and not have to speak to foreigners.

Spot on as usual Richard. As for global warming, bring it on, we may get a decent summer.- John Phillips, Derby

John thinks he is the first person to make this joke. He is probably the one in the Brunswick Inn pub in Derby who makes the same comment when they have brews from the Titanic Brewery. 'Bet this one goes down well!' Maybe you should move to Sandra's place.

Every day more and more British people are arriving in the region where I now live. All of them cite the same reasons for leaving - the education system, the NHS, crime and multiculturalism. We no longer feel at home in our own country. It has been taken over by unrepresentative and undemocratic politicians and their "placemen".The writing is on the wall. Within 20 years there will be such a change in the UK that it will no longer be our country. Just take a trip into London or central Birmingham and you will see what I mean.I fear for the younger genrations of British kids. They are being dispossessed of their birthright.- Geoff M, Brittany, France.

What a nasty piece of filth. This is a thinly veiled racist attack. We all know what is meant by the comments about Brmingham and London. Then there is the delicious irony of him writing from Brittany! You couldn't make it up.

Bloody immigrants coming to France, drinking our wine....etc. If anyone knows Geoff M in Brittany, please try not to point at him in the rue. He does not realise how pathetic he is.

At last, it's taken someone like RL to put the record straight on this one. Whatever the Portuguese police may or may not have done in this case, you can be certain that unlike the UK plod, they are on the streets dealing with day to day crime in an efficient manner. In fact in most EU countries the Local Police are employed and run by the elected party residing at the town hall and are accountable to the local people. In this manner, police are a common sight on the streets rather than the endangered species that we don't see in England.

Mike, Alicante, Spain

What will they ban next? Will they ban us eating with knives and forks? Perhaps chop-sticks will have to go too! We could all eat Indian style,with our hands; then they'd worry about the china plates, so it would be over to paper plates etc. Where is all this politically correct nonsense going to end? Richard Littlejohn is a breath of fresh air - he is my favourite columnist by far!- Wendy, Alicante, Spain

On behalf of decent Brits I apologise to anyone from Alicante. You seem to attract our bigoted peasants. Wasn't the comment about eating with hands reminiscent of the dim-wit Danielle's snide remarks about Shilpa Shetty in Big Brother? Beware of any bars named Mike and Wendy's when on holiday in Alicante!

The DM was not the only paper to twist this non-story. I was upset with the Mirror over this too.

The problem is that these stories become fact. Nobody seems to read beyond the headline. It is part of the old adage of not letting the facts get in the way of a good story.

Finally, the article does have a serious error (apart from the content) in that the final story about the knitting needles has had the wrong paragraph added to it. It doesn't make sense as it refers to the earlier attack on car taxes. None of his fans have commented. Either they are too thick to see it, or they just post regardless of what the little man writes.