The Crap Pub Guide

Celebrating our great 4-2 victory over Gillingham, I ventured over the water and had a good time. I had hoped to see the light show at the Pier Head but the weather wasn't looking so good (it did brighten later) so I had to console myself with a few scoops in the Pool's fine pubs.

However, given a particularly unsavoury serving in one pub, I'm minded to record the crap pubs that do not deserve to exist. With so many of our pubs closing (all being turned into mosques according to the racist BNP, whose website is down at the moment - ha!) those pubs where service and quality is at the head of the menu should be trumpeted. That is why many people come to my website looking for cheap car insurance...er beer...or fish sex.

Many tourists come to Liverpool; there are many bars in town touting for the foreigner's dollar. I rely upon good reviews when planning my ventures abroad so I will use my webby power to point people in the right direction.

So, let's name and shame the culprits. This is based on personal yet unbiased opinion and in no way dependent on whether the barmaid laughed at my sub-Carry On innuendo, matron.

HALL OF SHAME

1. The SWAN, Wood Street

This used to be a favourite many years ago. It had one of the best selections of real ale including Old Peculier ( I once witnessed a hairy biker throwing up in the toilets and asked if he was OK as he looked very ill, only to be told he was making room and two minutes later he returned to the bar for another Wobbly Bob pint @ 6%).

My last visit was a bit of a downer. I'd returned to Liverpool from a flight from Poland and in need of sustenance. The first pint was acceptable but the second was vinegary. When I took it back I was met with the demeaning mantra of 'well, no-one else has complained' from a barmaid whose age should have her taught her better. When a second opinion was asked for, the pony-tailed manager was called into action. I assume he was the manager but he could easily have been the delivery man enjoying a brew. He tasted the beer from the pump and declared that it was AOK. It was just me. I offered him a taste of the concoction in my cloudy glass but he declined.

This used to be a great pub with the best juke box in town. Now it is being run by people who do not care about custom (there were about 5 people in at the time).

2. THE EXCELSIOR, DALE STREET, LIVERPOOL

Again this used to be a great pub. If you tsake a look at the old website you will see that the previous landlord was forced out by brewery greed and is now running the great Vernon Arms.

I'd watched most of the Everton match in the Vernon and ventured into this pub on seeing that there were more than 5 people there (something rare since its re-opening) and chose a pint of Old Speckled hen (the only cask ale on offer). It was off. I asked the twentysomething barman to have a look at it. Guess what? ' Nobody else has complained.' This shows complete ignorance. A barrel can be OK right up until the next pint poured. Anyway, my plight was not helped by the lager-drinking idiot next to me. At first I thought he was enjoying some banter by claiming I just wanted a new pint (after consuming 5%). He wasn't. He was a moron. I realised that after 30 seconds. I would never claim that beer tastes like gnat's piss; I leave that to drinkers of Carling like our idiot here.

Barman proceeded to pour scorn (if not a full pint) on my complaint. He asked if I wanted my money back. 'No, I'd like a drinkable pint.' He then disappeared to seve another mug. Eventually - after again asking if I wanted my money back: in hindsight a good deal) he offered a switch. I went for Guinness. Half way through the pint he asked, curtly, if it was OK.

Avoid this pub if you want decent beer and want to be treated like a human. This used to be a great pub and raised money for worthy causes. Thankfully, the landlord is now just a short walk away on Dale Street at The Vernon Arms.

A WORK IN PROGRESS...