Noel is Coming, Mr Blobby's Getting Fat

It's that time of the year. Christmas is Banned stories begin to appear allowing the prophets of doom to shout out about how this once GREAT country has gone to the dogs. (see Enemies of Reason for more).

On top of that we now have the first Noel; the initial salvos from the battle for the sanity of the annoying host of Deal or No Deal and lover of Mr. Blobby.

Not only is he a follower of cosmic ordering (you write down your dreams on a piece of paper like a child writing to santa and those dreams come true), he is now himself followed around by two melon-sized orbs (which are his dead parents). I don't know about you but I do have visions of Patrick McGoohan being chased on The Prisoner along the Portmeiron shore.

This is par for the course with the gnomemeister. On his addictive quiz game for gamblers, he constantly allows erroneous statistical analysis (Student X has had £100,000 in his box for 2 shows running so cannot have it for a third) to masquerade as fact, whilst peddling the belief that using 'positivity' and chanting blue, blue, blue can alter what is in a pre-chosen box. You have to 'believe' like glitter-eyed children urging Tinkerbel to survive.

In a move akin to his fellow ex-Radio 1 Dj Mike Read, Noel has kindly shared his political and moral belefs with us. It may be too late to run for mayor, but maybe Barnbrook is looking for a mini-me to deputise while he stomps around Cologne with his Euro mates.

• "I'm a very tolerant person and I'm open to new ideas" but.....
  

• (the time has come to say) "enough is enough" and bar immigrants from coming to Britain. "I'm very straightforward on immigration. The bus is full,"
• "We haven't got enough energy, we haven't got enough electricity, we haven't got enough of a health service." (he said from France)
  

• (on not paying the TV Licence that used to fund him) "Auntie's put boxing gloves on. I'm so incensed by the idea that I'm guilty of something that I actually cancelled my licence fee a few months ago,"

• "The politicians – and I'm talking about Gordon Brown – have had their day," he said. "They've had their chance to do it and look at the mess we're now in."
  

(Perhaps we should send in Noel as Lord Protector.)

Brian Reade in the Mirror echoed my thoughts about cosmic ordering whren he wrote,

• So how come two years after writing that I wanted all smug oompah-loompahs with sub-Chuckle Brothers' sense of humour, blow-waved hair and trimmed beard, who achieved fame through partnering an irritating, pink blob (Keith Chegwin), removed from our telly screens, it hasn't happened?

I think it was Monty Python that referred to radio other than Radio 1 as radio for those of us that have completed the process of evolution. Look out for Edmonds on creationism in the near future, or a line of stationery for you to write your wishes on......just in time for Christmas - assuming that it doesn't get banned again.

Now, where did I put Oliver Cromwell's mobile number?