Two Pints of Lager and a Steve Doughty Packet of Shit

APRIL 1ST - Jolly Japes Abolished

Steve 'Huge Mortgage to Pay' Doughty is on overtime. Carrying on (ha ha) from yesterday's tales, he's staggered across the scoop of the heavy session:
Don't call the barmaid 'love', by order of Harriet Harman.

Of course, whilst this has already provided ammunition for the pub bore, it is complete shit.

Steve, an expert in Employment Law (!) continues,

• The regulations say that bosses are responsible for protecting their staff from sexual harassment by customers - and that those who fail to do so can face unlimited compensation claims.

Seems OK to me. Surely, such rights are enshrined in our existing laws; nobody wants employees subjected to harassment? But wait, this is the great British tradition of the pub; home to the jovial, wife-beating, salt of the earth type.

That may appear to be as much a stereotype as a typical tabloid headline, and of course, that would be true; in Tabloid Land, we must conform to our labels.

So, what is Doughty's real worry? What do these new regulations mean?

• They mean that a pub landlord could be sued if a bar worker complains about being called "love", or over customers telling each other off-colour jokes.

But Matron, I don't know what's coming over you! I'm not getting it, Sid, and if someone wants to pull mine I don't see what any Tom or any Dick or any Harriet can do about it.

Steve, matey, do you have any legal basis for your astonishing headline? No? Oh, that'll do then:

• Lawyers said yesterday that businesses will need to show they have tried to clamp down on sexual harassment of workers by customers if they are to guard against the risk of compensation claims.

Clamp down? Guarding against risks? This is just smut and you know it - just wait until tomorrow. You know the day after the last day in March. Lawyers? Nobody in particular? Not even Al- Fayed's legal team would go for this fable. Unless you've got some right-wing think tank to email a handy quote. Call Jill Kirby.........call Jill Kirby.

• Jill Kirby of the centre-Right think tank Centre for Policy Studies said: 'This latest round of discrimination legislation has moved far beyond common sense. It will bring the law into disrepute.

A Preamble Shits Tin, (couldn't find an April Fool and British one) which is an anagram of Stephen Alambritis, of The Federation of Not Very Big Businesses goes further,

• It really is unfair

At least everyone has ignored this piece of crap. Oh wait, over 100 comments by the gullible and stupid Mail readers, including our particular fave, Jacqui ' I used to be called Weems but I realised it made me look thick when my friends googled my name' W, Southampton.

Cue the morons:

• Do away with all human contact and install beer machines along side the condom machine.- Jimpy, Lincs

At last some good advice. Stop the Mail Readers breeding.

• Harriet Harman is only jealous because she has no chance of being harassed!Here in Yorkshire it is traditional to call a lady 'love' and no edict from this stupid woman will make us stop!- Peter, Huddersfield

Peter's obviously a love magnet. Of course, in parts of his county such as Doncaster or Barnsley, it's traditional to call men 'love'.

• Is this is all we have to worry about - maybe these MPs should concentrate on the real issues?- Jacqui W, Southampton

Jacqui Weems, you make us laugh. At least this effort was literate, love.

• I work in retail and get called 'love' several times every day. It doesn't bother me and most of the time I don't even notice they're doing it. I'd infinitely rather be called 'love' than 'you stupid cow' which is how some people choose to address others.- Karen, Blackpool, UK

Open door I know, but stop bad mouthing Karen just because she reads this shit rag.

• work in a pub and yesterday was asked by a customer if he could come home with me. I told him no, I'm not running an old people's home. Oh how the other customers laughed. Sometimes a bit of banter is fun!- Lorraine, Liverpool

I really hate it when women get the better of me in witty banter.........

The really worrying thing is that given the number of misleading, twisted and inaccurate stories peddled by this arserag, nobody can be sure which is the real April Fool story.