Barking Mad

Barking in London has many reasons to be proud: the brilliance of bard Billy Bragg, Bobby Moore, Brian Poole (of The Tremeloes fame), the innate wonderfulness of its punning possibilities, and proximity to the A13. Unfortunately, there is now a new kid on the block: Richard Barnbrook, the BNP representative on the London Assembly.

it's always a tricky question: do we ignore the racists or tackle them full on? I sometimes think a third way is called for - the 'hoisted-on-their-own-petard-or-ridicule' strategem (HOTOPOR).

As I prepare to watch the Liverpool v Man Utd game as a warm up for the real match of the day: Huddersfield v Tranmere, I thought I'd throw in some fun and games from Barnbrook's latest post on his Daily Telegraph blog. As Richard proudly boasts,

• here I am on the pages of a mainstream national newspaper

Yeh, well, rich, anyone can have a blog there - even Eric The Fish - even people wanting to write about table lampshade patterns. Hardly, breaking down boundaries. He continues his self-delusion:

• Times really are changing fast.

Not so much that Dylan's classic as there's a foul smell blowin' in the wind; that stench is coming from the lies that Barnbrook tells on his blog. Fortunately, quite a few are on the case. Whilst I make cheap, sarcastic points, others delve further.

For instance, in his latest offering to the world, 'Fiddling While London Burns', Tricky Dicky is on top form.

• While I have a spare half an hour I thought I would give you the details of today's proceedings during Mayor's Question Time.

• Obviously, I'm biased, but at 12:22 when it came to my input, I don't think the Mayor acquitted himself at all well responding that he was reluctant to give the oxygen to either the question or indeed the questioner when confronted with this:

  Can the Mayor comment on the shocking level of violence and intimidation directed towards Metropolitan Police Officers during this year's Notting Hill Carnival? Considering the astronomical costs, the policing bill alone exceeding £6 million, which falls upon the taxpayers of London, can the Mayor assure the people of this city that the suspension of this event is an option available to him?

Sounds like a good performance? Surely, nobody would be foolish to claim this when the proceedings are recorded and shown on the web? Step forward Barking's Coeur de Lying (well, if Mail readers can get away with Bliar, why can't I take the piss out of the lionheart moniker his Stormfront supporters have given him.)

5CC is quickly on to him:

• Cllr Barnbrook:
  
  You've left a couple of little bits out. Funny that.
  
  1. As well as saying he wouldn't stop the Notting Hill Carnival, the Mayor pointed out that it isn't in his power to stop it anyway.
  
  2. You had to have your rant off camera for bringing along some sort of banner or display that broke the rules.*
  
  3. While there may have been an 'embarassing row' between Conservatives, and the Mayor may have dealt with a question from Mr Qureshi rather swiftly, things were rather more swift and embarassing for you. After you struggled through your sets of figures, the Mayor's reaction was to say 'In the words of the famous Australian judge who said, "That, ladies and gentlemen, was the case for the prosecution,"' and make a toilet flushing motion. Pretty much the entire Assembly were laughing at you. Everyone should see the sorry affair over here www.london.gov.uk/webcast..., which begins at around 02.16.10 in the video. Priceless stuff. And rather a different image of the Councillor than he tries to paint here.
  
  *What was the display? Did it have anything to do with Mothers Again... whoops London's Mothers Against Knives? That would be using it to call for something that isn't made explicit on the petition, which would be pretty dishonest - so it can't be that, surely. Are you able to reassure people tempted to sign the petition that it won't be used to call for measures designed to target black people, or are you unable to because that's precisely what you intend to do?

The Fish wades in with the subtlety of a not very subtle thing:

• As Ronnie Barker said, 'There should be help for those who have problem with their worms.'
  He sounds like a drunken schoolboy trying to ask stupid questions at the School Council meeting because his mates have dared him.
  
  Boris uses bumbling to great effect; Richard just looks pathetic in the real sense.
  
  I think it is a shame they did not allow you to show off your new T-shirt. (London's Mothers Against Knives, the hijacked campaign)It makes a change from the sick coloured jacket. It must impress your supporters that you do not give in to mere rules like standing orders. Your orders! I'd have let you have your comfort blanket and do what all good teachers (such as yourself....ahem) do, and get you up in front of the class so people can ask you questions and Londoners can see what a clever boy they voted in.
  
  Boris said he did not wish to give you any oxygen of publicity echoing Thatcher's policy on the IRA. Maybe you could get an actor (or Simon 'pretty much' Darby) to do your voice over.
  
  Your extrapolation of figures over the arrests is mind-blowing. Instead of spending money on the Hadron Collider, we should be researching how your neurons are staggering around.
  
  Love the bit about people being 'hospitabilised' and 'disposal er..dispersal? Dispersal, thank you. dispersal will be at 9.30 am. There in black and white!'
  
  'I don't remember any St George's Day, I've been on 4 or 5......on the 3 ST George's Days I've been on...'
  
  Horses were 'humanly friendly'!!!
  
  '300 people were ambulanced'
  
  You see, the point of a supplementary question is that it picks up on the initial answer to your original question. A spontaneous response, which is a fine art. To ignore that Boris told you HE had NO power to ban it, shows ignorance and poor debating skills.
  
  You said in a previous post that you had prepared for this. How long, exactly, did you spend on rehearsing your spontaneous comments?
  
  I'm so glad that the sessions are recorded. Otherwise we'd only have your unbiased recollection of what happened, which bears no relation to reality. How about a proper transcription?
  
  And for the apologist who accused others of asking loaded questions - cop a load of the Brown Bombsite's final wayward, attempted hook at the Champion - the Henley Hitman - 'So you're quite happy to see an increase in arrests?'
  
  The Challenger (challenged?)hurt by the flushing manoeuvre from Boris, reels back on the ropes and the towel is thrown in. As Alan Minter would say, 'This boy don't know when he's beaten, Harry.'

Interesting stuff. The cameras did not show Barnbrook due to his petty gesture in wearing a T shirt with his BNP MAK motif. He then shows how inarticulate he is and is laughed at by all sections of the Assembly. The picture shows Mayor Boris Johnson demonstrating a toilet flushing gesture in answer to Barnbrook's waffled supplementary question. He was, apparently, referring to an Australian Judge who did the same when addressing the jury and saying, 'that ladies and gentlemen' is the case for the prosecution. Priceless Boris!

As I said before, keep up the good work, Agent Barnbrook: destroying credibility from within!

True Blue Colours

This was a story I heard about as I was travelling back home from Italy. I just knew it would attract a comment along the lines of the one from a DM reader in Leeds:

• Once again the humour has been driven out of our lives, I despair for all of us.- Audal, Leeds

I've a real suspicion that the person making the comment, in common with so many others, only read the headline:
Tories accused of racism over Web photo of blacked-up aide and did not bother t continue down the page. How else would a rational person make such a crass comment when as the story points out:

• Philip Clarke, who works in Parliament for the former Attorney General Lord Lyell, called the woman a "N***** Minstrel" alongside the picture on Facebook.

The intriguing bit is the initial reaction of the culprit (assuming the DM story is accurate). He is quoted as saying he could not remember whether he had written the caption or someone had hacked into his Facebook entry. Mr. Clarke you sound like a complete twat and you and the Tories deserve each other. I can't remember writing that last sentence or whether my doppelganger (who used to get me into trouble at school) has found my blogspot password (mea culpa for using doppelganger as the password!). Eventually, he admitted it. Apparently, he had a word with Mrs Thatcher who told him of a miracle cure for Alzheimer's her friend Augusto had given her.

• A Tory spokesman said: "Racism is completely unacceptable and has no place in the Conservative Party."

So, we'll just select Boris 'picaninnies' Johnson as mayoral candidate.

Mike Read: An appreciation

People often stop me in the street and say, "Eric, why aren't you running the country?"
Honestly, this does happen and I have to tell them that I am awaiting receipt of the tanks from a seller on eBay with 45673 positive feedback comments. Also, Mark Thatcher never returns my calls. They also know that I am totally in touch with the word on the street, man.

For people outside the UK, we now have an elected Mayor for our (present) capital city. Current incumbent is Ken Livingstone (Labour cum Independent cum Labour). The Conservative Party (or Cameron's Conservatives as they were styled in the Ealing By-election) are looking into the potential of fielding Boris Johnson as candidate. It is difficult to describe this individual. Perhaps the best that can be said is that he is an intelligent buffoon.

If this alone was not an interesting proposition, we now see that he has the support of the heavyweight political genius Mike Read. No, not Mike Reid, what used to be in Eastenders, leave it out! Mike Read the DJ. The man responsible for Frankie Goes To Hollywood scoring a massive hit with Relax, when he decided to ban it from his radio programme. The man in charge of a Saturday morning kids show when a phone caller shouted out live to a pop group, 'Matt Bianco, you bunch of wankers!' Priceless.

Mike was going to stand himself. No further comment is needed to his article in The Guardian.

It provided a record number of comments. Warning! Do not read Read without having an irony bypass operation or drinking a lot of liquid.

Guardian comment is free

July 17, 2007 12:30 PM

I'm backing Boris

I've decided not to stand as mayor of London, but I'm getting behind the man who I hope will raise the city's profile and improve life for Londoners.

Last October, having spoken for the third time at a Conservative conference many influential and political figures encouraged me to stand as London mayor, resulting in many people in the party urging me forward.

Seeing a chance to make a real difference to a great city I thought it would be refreshing to go down a "people not politics" route and have spent a great deal of time at Westminster over the last six months.

It was not Boris Johnson standing that made me think twice at the eleventh hour, but the change in the voting system. Initially it was to be a telephone vote for the whole of London, before moving very recently to a written and online vote with nomination forms going to party members. Non-party members can vote but have to apply for a form and knowing how apathetic folk can be I believe this would, for me, narrow any chance of winning, as the Tory faithful are much more likely to vote for an established politician.

That said I'm happy to support Boris in any way necessary and have discussed the mayoral situation with his charming father, Stanley.

It's essential for Boris to be much, much tougher on the persistently antisocial, making sure that rapists, murderers and paedophiles have no place, and never will, on the streets of London, and will not threaten civilised society.

I've spoken to lots of young kids in gangs or "crews" as they prefer to be known and most want to get out of a way of life that gives them nothing. Get in there ... understand their problems and give them access to sporting facilities and the chance to make music, act, dance and write. Get them integrated into society and to realise its value.

I'd like to see Boris push for a police officer on every tube entrance/exit so that underground miscreants know that their exit route is effectively sealed. With work and leisure patterns changing, Londoners are keeping later hours than ever before so running the tubes until 2am, at least at the weekends, must be an option. Late night traveller safety for the likes of nurses, theatregoers, tourists etc would become a priority. Extended tube hours would also help eliminate illegal and unlicensed taxis.

Advocate phasing out the bendy buses. In a congested city why build an essential mode of transport lengthways? Double decker buses have always been more practical. Scrap the congestion charge and put the life back into London trading.

Broken parking meters should be free until mended. There would be concessions or monthly lottery for all those using electric cars in the capital.
Improve traffic light phasing (still a disaster after Ken's tampering) and introduce more "filter alternately" junctions. This is a less stressful and more successful way of keeping traffic flowing.

Monitor bus lane usage and possibly standardise times. Due to confusion and uncertainty, bus lanes are often empty even when it's legal to drive in them.
Build extensive underground car parks. Put all car parking underground. I've discussed this with major developers and it's feasible.

More than 30,000 UK playing fields have gone under Labour and despite Gordon Brown's (too little, too late) limp idea for a few sports coaches in schools, far, far more needs to be done.

I've had discussions with the Football Association who are behind my London Schools FA Cup idea. Several professional footballers have agreed to be ambassadors and a wealthy and private concern would be happy to get involved with the FA and me on establishing the blueprint for this. This would be a massive boost for London's young people and could be extended to other sports. Ken Livingstone recently said, "I'll be bored out of my skull" by the Olympics. That's not the man who should be the flyer of London's flag. This event should be a massive positive, not constantly portrayed as a negative.

Finally, in brief, explore more usage of the Thames, set up mayoral shops as an information point for tourists and to sell merchandise such as maps, London T shirts, flags, souvenirs and so on. Create a London laureate to extol the virtues of the city in song and verse and encourage more of the colourful fabric of London to come through.

Let's train traffic wardens to exercise common sense and reward Londoners who work hard, rather than hitting them with constant stealth taxes.
I have the blueprint set up and ready to go for an online newspaper with every word about London, written by Londoners or by people visiting the capital. It goes without saying that there are, of course, countless issues not discussed in this limited space!

As I've decided not to stand, I'm going to get behind the man who is. I'll be available, if needed, to help Boris raise London's spirit and profile and become London mayor.

Comments

Wikipedia - see if the word 'feasible' remains in the edits!