Jilted Jordan

As the BBC was showing the ridiculous, unfounded claims by BNP Chairman Griffin, that council politicians (sic) were threatening people with eviction for voting BNP, it had a marvellous indicator of how it has been losing its right to be considered a serious broadcaster. Scrolling along the bottom was the shocker 'Katie Price and Peter Andre to separate'.

Overcome with emotion, I looked for confirmation that this was all some strange dream; that Jordan was just playing a late April Fool on us all. But no! It seemed to be true. Katie's own (pink) website issued a statement briefer than one of her skirts she uses for getting out of cars.

However, there was some good news for those people basing their life on their idol. Price is down and so are prices. By 'prices' I mean costs in the same way as knickers are down at TJ Hughes during sales.

KP/Jordan tells fans:

• Taking into account the current financial situation everybody is experiencing, I have decided to stop providing annual memberships in order to provide a more affordable option for my members.

  Until now monthly memberships have cost £3.00 per month. I have decided to reduce this to just £2.00 per month, which I hope you'll agree is great value.

If any members are passing through here, I'd like to know what they intend to do with their extra £1. My advice is invest it in a non-Icelandic bank somewhere so that you'll be able to afford the special editions of Closer/OK/Paps and Baps magazine covering their forthcoming reconciliation and beach reaffirming of vows.

Assuming Kerry doesn't get there first.

Two, three, four......Jordan is a .......

Of course, anyone who manages such a career is hardly that, but an astute businesswoman.