There Be Dragons

Oh yes there are some places allowed to celebrate St George (apart from Lithuania, Portugal....oh stop it now....point made.....see Brian Reade) but I thought I'd partake of the brews on offer in the Wetherspoons Spring Beer Festival. The best was a dark beer from Canada but they did have a St Georgen Brau Keller beer from Bavaria. Prost!

Noel is Coming, Mr Blobby's Getting Fat

It's that time of the year. Christmas is Banned stories begin to appear allowing the prophets of doom to shout out about how this once GREAT country has gone to the dogs. (see Enemies of Reason for more).

On top of that we now have the first Noel; the initial salvos from the battle for the sanity of the annoying host of Deal or No Deal and lover of Mr. Blobby.

Not only is he a follower of cosmic ordering (you write down your dreams on a piece of paper like a child writing to santa and those dreams come true), he is now himself followed around by two melon-sized orbs (which are his dead parents). I don't know about you but I do have visions of Patrick McGoohan being chased on The Prisoner along the Portmeiron shore.

This is par for the course with the gnomemeister. On his addictive quiz game for gamblers, he constantly allows erroneous statistical analysis (Student X has had £100,000 in his box for 2 shows running so cannot have it for a third) to masquerade as fact, whilst peddling the belief that using 'positivity' and chanting blue, blue, blue can alter what is in a pre-chosen box. You have to 'believe' like glitter-eyed children urging Tinkerbel to survive.

In a move akin to his fellow ex-Radio 1 Dj Mike Read, Noel has kindly shared his political and moral belefs with us. It may be too late to run for mayor, but maybe Barnbrook is looking for a mini-me to deputise while he stomps around Cologne with his Euro mates.

• "I'm a very tolerant person and I'm open to new ideas" but.....
  

• (the time has come to say) "enough is enough" and bar immigrants from coming to Britain. "I'm very straightforward on immigration. The bus is full,"
• "We haven't got enough energy, we haven't got enough electricity, we haven't got enough of a health service." (he said from France)
  

• (on not paying the TV Licence that used to fund him) "Auntie's put boxing gloves on. I'm so incensed by the idea that I'm guilty of something that I actually cancelled my licence fee a few months ago,"

• "The politicians – and I'm talking about Gordon Brown – have had their day," he said. "They've had their chance to do it and look at the mess we're now in."
  

(Perhaps we should send in Noel as Lord Protector.)

Brian Reade in the Mirror echoed my thoughts about cosmic ordering whren he wrote,

• So how come two years after writing that I wanted all smug oompah-loompahs with sub-Chuckle Brothers' sense of humour, blow-waved hair and trimmed beard, who achieved fame through partnering an irritating, pink blob (Keith Chegwin), removed from our telly screens, it hasn't happened?

I think it was Monty Python that referred to radio other than Radio 1 as radio for those of us that have completed the process of evolution. Look out for Edmonds on creationism in the near future, or a line of stationery for you to write your wishes on......just in time for Christmas - assuming that it doesn't get banned again.

Now, where did I put Oliver Cromwell's mobile number?

Dogs, Horses, Pigs and Other Animals

The BNP have had a bit of a kicking today. Not that they would agree. Firstly, their much trumpeted 'celebrity' candidate, Angela Reid, daughter of Eastenders actor Mike, has decided not to stand as a candidate for the odious zealots. The Mirror carries the story:

• Angela Reid cold-shouldered the far-right political party shortly before the midday deadline for nominations.

  Her sudden withdrawal will be a huge blow to the BNP, which had been boasting about hooking up with Mrs Reid because of her celebrity links. Her husband said yesterday: "She has cancelled her candidacy because she is Mike Reid's daughter and people would call her a Nazi and slag her off."

  The BNP has been desperately trying to rebrand itself in recent years as a respectable political party and play down its Neo-Nazi sympathies.

As Simon 'pretty much' Darby explained on his blog of bilge here,

• Last week I indicated that after the brother of England football legend Stuart Pearce, Dennis was revealed to have stood for the BNP on the London Assembly list by the Sunday People, there would be another relative of a household name who would be standing as a candidate.

• Speaking to Angela today, she sounds like an excellent candidate with a lot to say about where this country is going wrong.

The Mirror fails to mention - so kudos to the Mail for once - that Mike Reid and wife were living in Marbella, Spain at the time of his death. The Sun helpfully educates its dim readers to the fact that General Franco (or FranKo as they pun) came from Spain!

Sounds like the typical hypocritical ex-pat we hear from in the Mail and Express - how this country is going to the dogs while sipping sangria on the beach. It is not known whether Mike shared his daughter's less-than-t'riffic views on foreigners but Mike was unlikely to say on children's TV show, Runaround, G-G-G-G-G-G-GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM.

Secondly, Simon '2 Wardrobes' Darby was a guest on Asian Network where he refused to accept that presenter Yasmeen Khan, born in Yorkshire, was a native Englishwoman. The conversation can be listened to in the UK on the BBCi site at Nihal at about 30 minutes in. It should be available for 7 days. I'll hopefully have time to transcribe some of it later.

When I heard Obama seemingly refer to Sarah Palin with the 'lipstick on a pig' gibe (as McCain seemingly did with Hilary Clinton) I immediately thought of the oft-quoted BNP mantra as seen on their official site -

• viii. Do you accept or deny that blacks/Asians born in Britain are totally British?

  People are partly the product of their environment, but mainly of their genes. Spike Milligan and Joanna Lumley were born in India – do you think they are Indians? It was the Duke of Wellington who said that just because someone is born in a stable that doesn’t make him a horse.

THIS IS THE REAL BNP.

Fiona Phillips: Words of Wisdom Volume 28

Fiona shows why she didn't take the job with Gordon

I knew things were not going to turn out so well for Gordon Brown when it was announced/leaked in November of last year that on top of adding such lifelong staunch socialists as Digby Jones to his dog's dinner of a kitchen cabinet, he head-hunted the gushing name-dropper of the GMTV sofa, Fiona 'previously expressed an interest in politics' Phillips.

Ms. P has a weekly column in The Daily Mirror where she tells us -in addition to her hilarious children anecdotes - how wonderful every guest she has had on her show is 'in real life' particularly as she wants them back again to flog their latest record/'auto'biography/diet video/Quantum Physics discovery.

To make matters worse, Gordon was spurned like a Coronation Street bride, as FP felt her talents remained in the journalistic sphere.

Reminding us of this yesterday, she informed us:

• Privileged. That's what I am. Or at least I was on Tuesday when I was among an audience fortunate enough to watch James Morrison perform his new single (I was so mesmerised I can't remember what it was called).

It's a pretty poor day when a journo can't be arsed to do any research and find out the name of the song. or ask her mate James or the office cat at the Mirror. But no, that would spoil the sentence, rather.

There's still hope, of course, Fiona: former GMTV settee-sitter, Esther McVey is likely to be the next Tory MP for Wirral West.

Daylight Robbery in Milan

Milan Central - Mussolini's Bambino

Ben Goldacre
The Guardian,
Saturday June 21, 2008

The best thing about this job is you have an excuse to read the Daily Mail every day: but sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I worry that it might infect me.

Well, this is a voluntary exposure to the Daily Bile so think how I feel. It's all self-inflicted.

There has been much debate recently about civil liberties, freedom and fairness; this in itself is a good thing. David Davis's re-exchanging of vows with the electorate of Haltemprice initially injected some interest into the debate, although the subsequent decision of the Labour and Liberal parties not to stand has taken the shine off. (For the record, I feel the Labour Party made the correct call - just about).

In addition, a number of news stories - not all UK based - have highlighted the issue.

Firstly, we have the story in The Mirror et al, that a Housing Association in Surrey has decided to impose a curfew as part of its tenancy agreement. Draconian in itself but exacerbated by the close proximity of the homes to privately owned ones, whose children remain unfettered.

Now, part of the grumpy old fart in me thinks a general curfew might be a good thing in some areas, and the HA are within their rights to insist on certain levels of behaviour in fairness to all its tenants, regardless of the fact that there are more affluent homes as part of the same development. Indeed, even before the requirement for a percentage of homes to be set aside for social housing, HA tenants could find themselves close to existing homeowners. However, this appears to have been a badly thought out plan. What may have begun as an attempt to preserve social cohesion has clearly ended up being devisive and unfair. A less charitable view would be that - as some of those affected point out - they are pandering to the monied classes up on the hill.

As the scheme appears unworkable, I expect a climb-down to be undertaken and sanity to prevail. Otherwise, the posh kids will be able to claim the game once the referee blows at 9 p.m.

Next, we have the election charade (or Charamba to coin a phrase) in Zimbabwe. The Zimbabwe Government Spokesman, George Charamba said today that the United States, Britain and other European countries could "go hang". Given Saddam's finale, Messrs C and M should be thankful they don't have oil.

Then, we have the case of potential medical student, Majhid Ahmed, from a deprived area, denied a place at Imperial College London on the grounds that he has a spent conviction for burglary.
The college is quoted as saying,

• "The college requests information on a candidate's 'unspent' convictions only ... medicine, however, is focused on preparing students for a career that has particularly demanding requirements. Medical practitioners hold a position of responsibility in society, and must often deal with vulnerable people. The public must have confidence in the integrity and probity of its doctors.

  "Imperial believes that by carrying out and acting upon the CRB [Criminal Records Bureau] checks of potential medical students, it plays an important role in helping to uphold this trust."

The decision to uphold the bar on him taking a place comes despite references from charities and doctors he has worked with, together with straight A grades. As soon as I saw the story, I was reminded of a not-so-dissimilar case, that of Louise Woodward. (born in Elton, Cheshire not Cambridgeshire, Wiki people). For brevity's sake I shall merely point out that she has a conviction in the USA for manslaughter involving a child in her care. She then pursued a legal career, taking a degree in London and embarking on training. Indeed, I was somewhat surprised to see her at Liverpool Family Proceedings Court shadowing a solicitor, but hey ho.

The crucial aspect is that whilst criminal convictions (particularly dishonesty) can be a bar to practising law, the Law Society uses discretion.

Similarly, the General Medical Council yesterday confirmed that people can still become doctors if they have a criminal record. A candidate could be barred if thought to pose a risk, but evidence including references would be considered.

Not only does this smack of one rule for some, it sends out a clear message: we want to rehabilitate you, but don't get ideas above your station. I hope Mr. Ahmed gets further offers soon.

Finally, as 5CC pointed out some hours ago, it's that time of the year when The Daily Mail has a go at gypsies (or gipsies as it continues to print, not that it stops its salivating sickos using another spelling). As its intrepid fashion expert Liz Jones failed to find any swan-eating travellers at Glastonbury, it turns to its patriotic counterparts in Italy for succour:

Caught in the act: The 'gipsy' child thieves who could teach Fagin a trick or two

Sorry for shouting, but it is like being bellowed at by a particularly bigoted Mussolini-lookalike.
Of course, as usual, the 'story' is not quite what it says on the tin helmet.

Fagin, eh? Seen that somewhere before.

The Mail paints the picture: young kids pickpocketing outside Milan's railway station. Now, notwithstanding the fact that any seasoned traveller should be aware of such possibilities at every major transport station, and criminality is criminlality whoever perpetrates it, there is no justification for what follows:

• Children, all below the age they can be prosecuted, are sent out by their parents to steal cash, cards and phones - in fact anything that can be sold on

And the evidence is where? But this is Mail Land. Just use quotation marks and caveats sparingly and allow the moronic element of its readership to fill in the blanks like a journalistic paint-by-numbers.

• Both youngsters are pickpockets and both are also almost certainly the offspring of Roma gipsies.

Berlusconi's solution is simple: fingerprint the Roma. And this gets some support from the Mail faithful:

• It's not just Milan, parts of Britain are like this with organised mobs of children stealing in London and other cities. Unless immigration is controlled from Eastern Europe, expect more of the same.

  - Sue G, Perth, Australia, 1/7/2008 8:16

You see, even though Sue is half way round the globe, she sees all. Amazingly, the Mail sees no problem in printing such borderline racism (to be charitable).

• We sent my parents to Rome as a gift for their Golden wedding anniversary. They had a miserable time fighting off these children and were not always successful. Even worse was the way the police seemed to collude with the Roma, beating the children and taking their pick from what was stolen. Very sad situation - mum and dad were so pleased to come home.

  - Elisabeth, Limoges, France, 1/7/2008 8:17

This doesn't even make sense. They collude with the children they then beat and steal from. Maybe lost in translation from our French expert.

• Anyone who has had direct experience of gypsies will know quite how bad they are. All this hand-wringing from the usual liberal suspects is only to be expected.
  
  Go to it Rome - clear them out.

  - Geoff M, Brittany, France, 1/7/2008 8:18

Where the Mail fears to tread, another cross-channel racist steps up to the plate.

• If Italy can get tough with these people why can't we - oh I forgot the Human Rights Act - they have a human right to rob us.

  - Declan, London, 1/7/2008 11:42

Declan thinks Italy is not part of the EU. Strewth.

• UNICEF and the rest of the idiot do-gooders should butt out, whinging about children's rights. If they choose to rob, steal and thieve they deserve to be finger-printed. Moreover they deserve to be removed back to Romania.
  
  We need to put this idea on hold that immigrants should be treated with kid gloves because they don't know our laws. Rubbish. Either change your ways or head back to where you came from. Simple as that.

  - Chris Carr, Southampton, 1/7/2008 13:16

Carr is that peculiar breed of Briton, Thickus Shittus. Never mind reading the story, just make your own one up and hope nobody notices.The newspaper equivalent of John Redwood's Welsh National Anthem.

Fortunately, there are some sane comments:

• If there are gipsy Roma families that are causing trouble or mistreating their children, they need to be dealt with like people from any other minority. Such cases shouldn’t simply be seen as an opportunity to gain votes or to sell a few more newspapers. Crime is the symptom of a greater problem, and if the problems aren’t dealt with then the problem persists. Ultimately society decides what kind of world we are going to live in. When people are excluded from society they make their own rules. I don’t say that is right it is just the way it goes. Catching criminals and punishing them is essential, but it doesn’t change any thing. Changing hearts and minds, changes everything.

  - Joseph G. Jones (The Gypsy Council Ltd, Secretary), Amersham Bucks, 1/7/2008 8:00

The Council's site is currently under reconstruction (imagine Mail comments about tarmac etc) but there is an interesting affiliated 'permanent site' here.

• The comments here are disgusting. Fingerprinting children of a minority because they are from a minority? Even the Catholic Church has condemned it yet people here think it is common sense. Really quite unreal.

  - Kevin Boatang, London, 1/7/2008 10:05

There is daylight robbery in Milan: over £4 for a pint of piss poor Peroni.

Top Race Gear

As every petrolhead knows, Jeremy Clarkson is not too proud to spout drivel and ignorance in the name of entertainment: FACT! It's as if a man with half a brain and a large mouth has been given a huge salary and unlimited airtime; and indeed, that's exactly what it is.

Whilst fiddling with the wonderful Play it again, Sam facility of the BBCi player, I stumbled, nay fell into the chasm of un-PC wallpaper that goes under the name of Top Gear.

Now, I like the theme tune - Jessica by the Allman Brothers - but I tend to view Clarkson as a slightly upmarket version of Richard Littlejohn. Surprisingly, he seems very popular in Poland, which, perhaps partly explains some of the driving I witnessed there. However, my interest in cars extends only to the colour and whether it has four wheels, an engine and enough storage space on the mp3 player for the complete Beatles collection.

In fact, I prefer the train or bus as they don't tend to breathalyse you as much. But I digress....

If anyone can bear to see JC waxing manically about the latest Ferrari, there's a clip here (if you have BBCi player and live in the UK, or use proxy), which is available for about a week.

Anyway, forward to about 23 minutes in and correct me if I'm hearing things, but does the boy Jeremy make a reference to wops, albeit as an attempted funny. He appears to be talking about the lack of an audio player and refers to the sound of 'Italian mechanical engineering, or be-wop'.

Clarkson has been in trouble before. His reference to one car model as being 'gay' (or agreeing with an audience member) attracted a host of complaints.

The alleged comment comes days after a Tory candidate, Alun Cairns was forced to withdraw after using the phrase 'greasy wops' about the Italian football team on a radio phone-in.

Then we have the case of Boris 'picaninnies' Johnson's Deputy Chief of Staff, James McGrath. McGrath -himself an Australian migrant - as reported in today's Mirror:

• A top aide to Boris Johnson quit last night after sparking fury by saying black people could "go home" if they did not like having a Tory mayor of London.

  James McGrath, 34, his deputy chief of staff, said he would accept an "exodus" of Caribbean migrants, adding: "Well, let them go if they don't like it here."

I'm following doctor's orders in not reading the Daily Mail much; I shudder to think what I may find there.

Hoodie or Goodie?

You have to be in it to win it, unless you receive an email from the Nacionale Lotto de Tritan de Cunha saying you've won $60,000,000 and you just need to send your bank details, a Western Union payment of £1,245 and stand in WH Smith window shouting, 'I'm completely mad and greedy'.

There was an interesting story unfolding in the Mirror and Mail about a new lottery winner. It seems an attempt to conjure up the ghost of Michael Carroll.

Compare and contrast. No further comment is needed. The two stories can be found here and here

One paper reports it as :

Hoodie bags £700,000 lottery win 19th September 2007
A hoodie who claims to be part of a street gang has won more than £700,000 on the lottery.
Ollie Kennedy, 18, won £716,766 in last Saturday's £3.5 million Lotto draw, which was split between five tickets.
The teenager is set to share the winnings with girlfriend, Kelly Lucas, also 18.

The lucky couple, from Folkestone, Kent, who have a seven-month-old son called Danny together, have already claimed their prize.
On social networking website Bebo, Ollie boasts of being part of a street gang in Folkestone called the FDP gangsters.
His page on the website lists his interests as "goin on the raz wit the lads" and "gettin p****d up".
Some of his friends have been posted messages on the web to congratulate him on the windfall.

One wrote: "Can't believe you've won the lottery - £700,000 innit. Congratulations, enjoy the money."
The page also reveals Kelly had hoped to be a hairdresser and football mad Ollie likes hitting the gym.
A lottery spokesman said: "We look forward to welcoming Ollie and Kellly to the Lotto winners club.
"This is a substantial win and will change their lives. I'm sure they will enjoy spending their prize."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other newspaper states:

Two jobless young sweethearts yesterday toast the £700,000 lotto win that will allow them and their baby to live together at last.
Ollie Kennedy, 18, lives with his parents and four brothers while Kelly Lucas, also 18, and seven-month Danny live in a council flat as they cannot afford a family home.
But the life-changing fortune means they can finally settle down properly.
The couple, engaged in summer, now also plan a fairytale wedding.

Ollie said: "It hasn't sunk in yet. But we're going to buy a house together so we can live as a family. And we're going to put money away for Danny so he doesn't have to worry when he grows up."
The pair, of Folkestone, Kent, are determined their new riches will not go to their heads. Two days after the win, Ollie had an interview for an Asda shelf-stacking job. He said: "Even though I won the money, I want to work and be a good dad."
Kelly is thrilled the win will let her fulfil her modest dreams of being a hairdresser and buying a pink Peugeot. She beamed: "It won't change us, it will just make our lives easier."
The kind-hearted youngsters will also ensure close relatives share in their good fortune - which came as they and four other winners shared Saturday's £3.5million jackpot.
Ollie's mum Louise, 46, said: "Life's been a struggle at times for our family.
"Now Oliver and Kelly don't have to struggle any more. He's a caring, down-to-earth boy who will do right by his family."
The last house to be sold on the street in Folkestone where Ollie's parents live went for £119,000 in February.
With their £716,000 win they could buy SIX - with no mortgage.

Our friend, the sadly departed (from our shores) Karen, ex-pat, USA is back on the prowl in the Mail:

Well that should stop his benefits!-

I would like to add my congratulations. All donations can be sent to ericthefish!

Reade All About It

I find that the Brian Reade column in the Daily Mirror is a wry antidote to the sneering of Tony Parsons. He was a great read in the Liverpool Echo and I always look forward to Thursday. He doesn't always hit the target but neither does Michael Owen.

His column today has its moments but has one fatal flaw.


Maybe I'm biased but his comments on Richard Branson's funding of some of the McCann's legal costs is a bit lame.

• Right to back McCanns
  Brian Reade 20/09/2007
  I've always seen Richard Branson as a human advertising hoarding whose gleaming gnashers are a neon sign screaming "ME, ME, ME". But I applaud him for giving £100,000 to kick-start a legal fund to clear Kate and Gerry McCann's names
  And I don't question his motives for a second. What I do question is why, when funds are set up to pay legal teams £700 an hour, you never hear a single top solicitor offering their services for free, despite being among the richest people in the land. I'd raise an objection m'lud, but I'm sure they'd find a loophole.

I realise it's not a serious piece, but let me make the following points:

1. The McCanns do not have to instruct such high cost lawyers at this stage. They have not been charged. They have every right to want Pinochet's lawyer but should be ready for the flak over extradition claims.
2. Many members of the legal profession do pro bono work. This can be representing people on death row or dealing with non-funded areas.
3. Counsel's fees can be negotiated with his/her clerk prior to work being carried out.
4. Richard Branson may be genuinely interested in the case but he never fails to use an opportunity to plug his brand. He is the man Max Clifford turns to for advice on publicity!

The Dead Count

We know that it is a British newspaper and it may be read by relatives affected by it, but there is something distasteful about the tendency to report disasters in terms of how many people killed or injured are from this country. Today's Mirror is a case in point. 92 people are believed to have died as a result of the plane crash in Phuket, Thailand.

Oh wait...breaking news......one of the foreigners once had an uncle in Brighton.