Ashes to Ashes

The Daily Mash has two articles to exercise the chuckle muscles.

Firstly, (ironically after I had a conversation last week with a US-American on the same subject):

• TEST match cricket was declared stupid last night after England drew with Australia despite being much, much worse at cricket than them.
  
  
  
• England can now claim to be just as good as Australia as experts warned it will soon be impossible to attract young people into the game if you cannot win no matter how much better you are than your opponent.
  
• Experts say Australia may have been forced into a draw after a little known by-law was used to assess their score in dog years.
  
  The passage in the rule-book, written in bright green biro, states any player involved in totals over 600 not holding a British passport will have their score divided by seven.

Secondly, as more (British) bodies are readied for cremation, the issue is summed up thus:

• MORE people know where Afghanistan is compared to three years ago while thousands more have promised to look it up on Google, according to a new poll.
  
  
  

  
  
  In a stunning success for the government's war strategy, almost 20% of Britons can now point to the troubled nation on a map, though less than 10% knew why they were being asked to.

...

• Margaret Gerving, from Hatfield, added: "September 11th 2001 was an awfully long time ago. There have been many, many episodes of Celebrity Masterchef since then and I had to make room for them in my brain."
  

Baby You Can Clamp My Car

The Daily Mail often has a special place for campaigning on behalf of the poor motorist so hard done by with taxes and speeding fines so the following - from The Daily Mash - is a fitting antidote:

• RAC CALLS FOR BAN ON CLAMPING PEOPLE WHO IGNORE NO-PARKING SIGNS

  CLAMPING someone who sees a no-parking sign and then blatantly ignores it is a breach of their human rights, the RAC has claimed.
  
  
  

  Yet more corporate gibberish
  The motoring organisation said thousands of drivers are being forced to pay large fines simply because they think they can park their car wherever they bloody well feel like.
  
  ...
  
  "And anyway, most of the signs had fallen off, or the drivers had to park there because their grandmother had just died, or they have a medical condition which means they have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes and if they can't park their car they will, sadly, poo themselves."
  
  Tom Logan, director of Bastards Ltd, a London-based clamping firm, said: "Look, I would not be in the wheel clamping business if I was anything other than a total shit.
  
  "But in my defence there is a huge yellow and black sign that says don't park here or we'll clamp you. There is - and you know there is."

The full piece is here.

The Links Effect

Just as I was feeling smug for being able to get round O'Leary's money-making scams on Ryanair by printing off my ticket etc. whilst parking my carbon footprint everywhere, the buggers have bitten back and will now charge £5 for the privilege.

The Daily Mash has an update on the sanity of Mr O'Leary here.